Each year the onset of the holiday season is a mixed bag with feelings of excitement, anticipation, sorrow, and a tinge of dread. I love the holidays — the music, the food, the lights, the chilly weather and dark evenings. But, I am also flooded with a longing for loved ones no longer with us and memories of a home that no longer exists. Many people talk about going “home” for the holidays, but for me, that has been gone since my mom died 15 years ago.
In a home that was often full of turmoil, Halloween through New Year’s Day we got to feel like a “normal,” happy, loving, festive family.
My mom came to life during the holidays and filled our house with joy. Since she’s been gone, I tend to feel like a fish out of water not knowing what to do, where to go, who to buy gifts for, or how to feel. There have been amazing years spent traveling or spending time with friends and family, and years alone drinking too much wine and breaking down into more than one “ugly cry.”
This year I am beginning to feel those same conflicting emotions. They are perhaps a bit amplified with it also being our sweet baby’s first holiday season.
Kasey obviously has no idea what this time of year means, but I am excited to document her first holidays in pictures and memories of our new little family. I now get to do for her what my mom did for me – make this time of year joyous and full of love.
Although, my wish is that the holidays don’t feel all that special for her. I hope that she can look back and remember a home that was joyous and full of love throughout the entire year.